Whispers in the walls

So things have picked up. Moving along for us. We found a place that we signed a lease for today. Very exciting!! The official move in date is the 14th! WOOOTT That is as some of you may know a super important date for me! Meredith Paige’s Birthday!! She will be 20 this year!! OMG WHERE DID IT GO?!!?!? I will not get to spend this birthday with her again which makes me sad. But I have hope that if I do things just right we will be able to celebrate every year after this together. (Honestly its come hell or high water I have decided that NOTHING is going to keep me from her anymore.)

There are a few more obsticals we have to handle. But Im comfident we can work them out.

The saddest obstacle of course is that my furry little monsters still need new homes. I can’t express how much this breaks my heart. I am crying all the time. I have NEVER been with out a dog my entire life. The idea of not being able to have one is earth shattering to me. Gypsey was my friend when I had no one. She was my heart when mine was broken. She tried to be my protector when I needed one. To give her to someone else feels like I am throwing her aside. But finding a home that allows me to have her in our price range that will not require me and dave to find new work immediately is impossible. Too many landlords have had their places destroyed by irresponsible pet owners and no one wants to give anyone a chance. Aside from that I simply can not afford what they need. Vet visits would be out of the question financially heaven forbid one of them may need one in their older age. We would all be homeless again.

Is it not better for me to find homes for them that can give them what they need??? Someone who can give them a better life then I can?? I tell myself they will adjust, they will fall in love with new owners and show off their bright sides probably more then they ever did with me. Maybe thats just me trying to justify my actions. Frankly if I didnt have a baby I would sooner live in a cardboard box then re-home them. Is was stupid, irresponsible, and neive to take them to begin with. I put a lot of blind faith in our previous home and the idea that we would be there for the duration of Maxx and Gypsey’s lives… absolutely foolish and has put them in even worse situations.

I can hear my husbands voice in my head from 3 years ago telling me that he doesnt think getting Maxx was a good idea. I took one look at his face and his sad eyes and knew he needed a home, I pushed with the hope that I could give him what he needed. You can’t eat hope. You can’t stay warm with hope….

I need them to find wonderful homes, full of love and care and lots of spoiling. I need them to be in a better place then what I can provide for them. That is truly the best I can do  for them right now.

Maybe thats all I was suppose to do for them. Take them this far in life and bring them to who is suppose to love them for rest of their lives.

I dont think I will ever get a dog again. Or any pet for that matter. I can not stand the way I feel right now. I know in my mind that this is what is best for everyone, but I feel like a terrible person in my heart… I see their lil faces in my mind … and it crushes me all over again. seeing them posted on the door at work makes my stomach turn every time i look at it or point them out to a client.