Whispers in the walls

I sorta friend of mine (more a friend of my husbands) posted a bucket list the other day and it got me thinking a lot about what I really want accomplished before I “go back to the mud”.

Before I dive into that I’d like to take a moment to talk about the friend. Her and I have know each other a really long time, but we never became friends. We were always on “opposing sides” in pretty much every “click” we were associated with. I was never really into the party scene, and am still not, so our mutual friends never got to put us in the same space and hope for the best.

She showed me a great kindness once and it was never forgotten, but despite the many attemps of mutal accosiates and friends (my husband included) telling me we would get along really well I could not get myself to approach her in a friendly until the recent passing of one of the people that connected us. I think about why, and mostly I am loyal to a fault to the ones I love and care about. I was blindly loyal to another friend who clashed greatly with her. Now in our late 20’s my dear friends passing brought us together, and I owe her a thank you. 

Bucket list:

1. Amarah.

2. Have a home large enough to appease my heart. My heart is always bigger then my home and I’m sick of it.

3. Live in 3 other countries for at least 2 years each. Culture shock is good for a growing mind.

4. Have at least 1 family gathering that includes EVERYONE without their being an issues or absenteeism.

5. To quit smoking successfully. side-note for myself later - try ditching coffee too.

6. Have wolves, maybe even run/help with a reservation.

7. Have at least 5 extended adventures with my just my sister.

8. Have a major adventure with just Dave at least 8 times.

9. Take my sister to a concert of her choosing.

10. Have time for various art development.

unfinished…

I have built a volt 100 miles wide and 100 miles deep, I still have all your secrets. They were yours to give and they are mine to keep. I will keep them in my volt locked up in the sea, there is no current strong enough to take them from me. They are trophies from love, friendship, companionship, the cure for ones loneliness, a prize for a smile at just the right time. I will keep them far after my mind gives up. My vault does not leak, it can not be cracked, but do not think for one moment I am unaware of what I store. I know the value of the treasure I keep, but I promise…. leaving me be is far greater a payment then rekindling a friendship out of worry and fear. I like my peace, I love my quiet. i am perfectly fine with you landlocked and me at the edge of the sea. I have my waves, my fish, my sea goat and my lion. What else does someone like me need? My distant friend, out there inland the answer is nothing. I have all I need.

I’ll never understand why souls feel the need to pour to me. So I have built a volt 100 miles wide and 100 miles deep, I still have all your secrets. They were yours to give and they are mine to keep. I will keep them in my volt locked up in the sea, there is no current strong enough to take them from me. They are trophies from love, friendship, companionship, the cure for ones loneliness, a prize for a smile at just the time. I will keep them far after my mind gives up. My vault does not leak, it can not be cracked, but dont think for one moment I dont know what I store. I know the value of the treasure I keep, but I promise…. leaving me be is far greater a payment then rekindling a friendship out of worry and fear. I like my peace, I love my quiet. i am prefectly fine with you landlocked and me at the edge of the sea. I have my waves, my fish, my sea goat and my lion. What else does someone like me need?

My distant friend, out there inland the answer is nothing. I have all I need.

I grew up in a houses with unlocked doors all the time. You went out, to bed, to the store, on a road trip that door was unlocked.

It was nice and it made you feel free. Maybe even untouchable. I never worried about what might come through the door.

So when I moved and had to lock my doors, I hated it. I felt trapped. I was hostile and protective.

As soon as I was able to revert to unlocked doors I took it! I enjoyed it every time I walked out the door.

Now I have Amarah. Everything changed the moment she came home. Her bedroom became my mother wolf’s den. Her belongings became holy grails.

This all dawned on me now, as I caught myself locking the door on my way back inside. I am home, awake, active. I live in a quiet area surrounded by people who are nosey enough to protect the quiet life here, and yet I locked it.

Being a protective mother wolf… makes me proud.

But I also noticed that I am only locking the doors, when papa bear isnt home.

My afterthought - when did I start depending on someone to protect me?

Its not a bad thing, just surprising.

So things have picked up. Moving along for us. We found a place that we signed a lease for today. Very exciting!! The official move in date is the 14th! WOOOTT That is as some of you may know a super important date for me! Meredith Paige’s Birthday!! She will be 20 this year!! OMG WHERE DID IT GO?!!?!? I will not get to spend this birthday with her again which makes me sad. But I have hope that if I do things just right we will be able to celebrate every year after this together. (Honestly its come hell or high water I have decided that NOTHING is going to keep me from her anymore.)

There are a few more obsticals we have to handle. But Im comfident we can work them out.

The saddest obstacle of course is that my furry little monsters still need new homes. I can’t express how much this breaks my heart. I am crying all the time. I have NEVER been with out a dog my entire life. The idea of not being able to have one is earth shattering to me. Gypsey was my friend when I had no one. She was my heart when mine was broken. She tried to be my protector when I needed one. To give her to someone else feels like I am throwing her aside. But finding a home that allows me to have her in our price range that will not require me and dave to find new work immediately is impossible. Too many landlords have had their places destroyed by irresponsible pet owners and no one wants to give anyone a chance. Aside from that I simply can not afford what they need. Vet visits would be out of the question financially heaven forbid one of them may need one in their older age. We would all be homeless again.

Is it not better for me to find homes for them that can give them what they need??? Someone who can give them a better life then I can?? I tell myself they will adjust, they will fall in love with new owners and show off their bright sides probably more then they ever did with me. Maybe thats just me trying to justify my actions. Frankly if I didnt have a baby I would sooner live in a cardboard box then re-home them. Is was stupid, irresponsible, and neive to take them to begin with. I put a lot of blind faith in our previous home and the idea that we would be there for the duration of Maxx and Gypsey’s lives… absolutely foolish and has put them in even worse situations.

I can hear my husbands voice in my head from 3 years ago telling me that he doesnt think getting Maxx was a good idea. I took one look at his face and his sad eyes and knew he needed a home, I pushed with the hope that I could give him what he needed. You can’t eat hope. You can’t stay warm with hope….

I need them to find wonderful homes, full of love and care and lots of spoiling. I need them to be in a better place then what I can provide for them. That is truly the best I can do  for them right now.

Maybe thats all I was suppose to do for them. Take them this far in life and bring them to who is suppose to love them for rest of their lives.

I dont think I will ever get a dog again. Or any pet for that matter. I can not stand the way I feel right now. I know in my mind that this is what is best for everyone, but I feel like a terrible person in my heart… I see their lil faces in my mind … and it crushes me all over again. seeing them posted on the door at work makes my stomach turn every time i look at it or point them out to a client.

It’s offical, I need to do whats best for my dogs. I need to rehome Maxx and Gypsey. I absolutely HATE that I need to do this but I have to give them what I can’t right now. They are not overly attached to eachother and are very different personaliities so they would each excell in different kinds of homes. Maxx is GREAT with all animals and children. Gypsey is a very good girl who would love nothnig more then to be an only child with someone who would love her as much as she loves. I would like them each to go to home that would be willing to bring to the daycare so that I can see them, as they were my children before I had a child. Please let me know if you are interested or know anyone who is. They are wonderful kids who deserve so much more then I have to offer and I hate to see them neglected in anyway. Thank you in advance.

It’s offical, I need to do whats best for my dogs. I need to rehome Maxx and Gypsey. I absolutely HATE that I need to do this but I have to give them what I can’t right now. They are not overly attached to eachother and are very different personaliities so they would each excell in different kinds of homes. Maxx is GREAT with all animals and children. Gypsey is a very good girl who would love nothnig more then to be an only child with someone who would love her as much as she loves. I would like them each to go to home that would be willing to bring to the daycare so that I can see them, as they were my children before I had a child. Please let me know if you are interested or know anyone who is. They are wonderful kids who deserve so much more then I have to offer and I hate to see them neglected in anyway. Thank you in advance.